Candy Stripers Review
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Genre: Horror
Rating: R
Release Date: 2-OCT-2007
Media Type: DVD
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Candy Stripers (Kate Robbins, 2006)
Really, you don't check out a movie with a title like Candy Stripers expecting horror. Cheesecake, yeah. Lots of high-school girls half-out of uniforms? Awesome! I expect that the movie's low rating on IMDB-- 2.1, as I write this-- has to do with the movie's almost complete lack of cheesecake more than it does with its thoroughly complete lack of horror. It's a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie, but without any of the edited-out bits edited out.
The plot: after a particularly nasty high school basketball game, three guys from the visiting team find themselves in a hospital far from home. Team captain Matt (Doll Graveyard's Brian Lloyd) is the all-around nice guy who seems a little bit smarter than those around him. Tammy (Portal's Sarah McGuire, premaritally Sarah Ball), the team manager, has a crush on him, but he's too busy dating the head cheerleader (Boo's Nicole Rayburn), appropriately named Krystal, to have noticed. Tammy's brother Joey (William Edwards, Jr., in his first screen appearance) is in the next bed over, while power-hungry Brian (Kevin Thomas Fee) is just down the hall. No one's complaining all that much, since the hospital seems to be stocked with peternaturally beautiful candy stripers. But they all have this weird sweet tooth. And they all seem to be nymphomaniacs. Oh, yes, we're all set up for cheesecake city. Well, except for the whole alien-invasion scene at the beginning of the movie...
I know it's a minor thing, but I have to get it off my chest. Why is it that low-budget horror movies have this thing for taking the cast's most beautiful girl and putting her in the "homely sister" role? It happens all the time, but it's more noticeable here than usual; we've got a cast that's jammed full of beautiful women (including two Playboy playmates) running around throwing themselves at everything that moves, and then you get this jaw-dropping beauty who's supposed to be the mousy member of the family. Hey, guys? It doesn't work. It never has. It never will. More germane to why this movie is as bad as it is is, well, everything else about it. The script plays out like this was actually supposed to be a cheesecake comedy, not a horror film. (Jill Garson and writer/director Kate Robbins are both first-time screenwriters, and it shows.) The acting ranges from the competent to the horrendous. Surprisingly, the playmates are both on the competent side of the equation. The characters are barely shallow enough to be called paper thin, with stereotypes running hard and fast. (You've met Krystal in at least three dozen teen comedies in the past twenty years.) The plot is predictable when it's not being stupid. And every once in a while those two components join forces for an all-out assault on both the senses and the sensibilities of even the least discerning viewers.
And yet despite all this it's stupidly watchable, in that Sci Fi Channel Original Movie way. (Expect to see this one hit Sci Fi relatively soon, though if you have a thing for breasts, you'll want to rent the DVD.) It's fun if you're not expecting anything even remotely akin to good filmmaking. Unlike most of IMDB's raters, I'm giving this one nipple up for the cheesecake factor, the barely competent acting, and the stupid, mostly unintentional humor. And because I would be willing to watch Sarah McGuire read the phone book for two hours. ** ½
Jul 18, 2010 07:00:07
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